Life Stories

Papa

March 23, 2018

I saw a man holding a little hand,
of his little child.
And I envied.



I saw a man hugging with love,
caressing his child.
And I envied.

I saw a family from afar,
laughing as if there's no tomorrow.
And I cried.

God created a man,
to whom I call him Father
But He never made that man loving me.

I can't even recall,
the last time I saw his face,
his voice,
his smell,
not even his love.

Since I couldn't remember a thing,
I don't even know how to hate him.

20 years..
I had this bitterness within me.
The bitterness of having a man who never loves me.
I had this deepest pain and fear within me.
The pain and fear of a man leaving me behind and never look back.
Not even a glance.

Then I heard,
that you were no longer exist in this world.
You left.
Leaving me forever.

I thought I'd feel numb.
I thought I'd be relieved.
To me he's gone for a long time.
What's the difference anyway?

But I'm wrong.

Tears overflowing,
that unstoppable tears with pain.
It hurts to know you died.
It's painful; knowing you died in vain.

I ever had a wish.
I wish I never had a father.
Because I live my life just fine without his figure.
I hate knowing that he lives just fine without even think about me.

But I'm wrong.

Turns out,
I never hate you.

There's connection between us,
that related-to-blood relationship.
Kinda bond that never breaks
no matter what happens.

Rest In Peace, Papa.
Forgiveness is the last gift I could ever give to you.

You were never here, but losing you tore my heart into pieces.

Life Stories

No Excuse

March 19, 2018

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

I find that quote everywhere.
Half of me would approve it, while my other half absolutely hate it.
That depends on the way you see it anyway.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Yeah, that's true.
If it refers to God's plan for every single thing in your day-to-day's life, your fate or destiny, the way you find lesson in your life, and any other things that God has decided for you; It really is definitely TRUE.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Just don't ever say that as an excuse for being such a jerk.
It is not a self-justification for every actions, beliefs, or feelings; that eventually will give impact to other people (in a bad way, I mean).

When people are doing something, they will try as possible as they could to convince themselves that it was a logical, reasonable thing to do.
I wouldn't say I totally disagree with it, yet some people may have tendency to use it as an excuse to approve EVERYTHING they do, no matter for better or worse.


Imho, life is a choice.
It doesn't matter how bad or good your life is, you can always choose.


Being sad is not a reason to have a sorrowful life.
You can choose to smile and live your grief in positive way.

Having problems is not a reason to throw all your anger to people around you.
You can choose to find a way out and lesson behind your problems.

Having chronic disease is not a reason to ensure every person does nice things to you before you die.
Instead, you can choose to start being nice and spreading love as best as you could.

People's bad behavior is not a reason for you to hate them.
You can choose to be a person who acts nicely despite anything bad they've done.
Remember, you cannot change people and you don't have to.

People doing wrong to you is not a reason they should apologize.
They could apologize, if they want to or if they really mean it; it's not necessarily your business.
You can choose to forgive and let go of your pain. Holding onto anger only hurts you, not them.

People's bad news and judgement is not a reason you should merely trust them and it's 100% true.
You can choose to be positive and decide how you should handle it on your own.

Being unhappy is not a reason you can blame anybody.
You can choose to be happy, no one is responsible for your own happiness.
You cannot wait for anyone to make you happy.

Bad day is not a reason to have a bad life.
You can choose to make it good tomorrow and you'll have a good life again.

Tragic things happened to you is not a reason somebody else should pay for it.
You can choose to face everything on your own, see where it comes from, learn how it could grow you into a strong, assertive person.

We’ve all had something terrible happen to us. I dare you to find someone who has not had some type of trauma or bad experience in their life. You can choose not to be a douche bag. Some people nurture their trauma and pain — it’s a crutch on which they lean heavily their whole lives. It’s an excuse to not participate in life, an excuse for bad behavior and making bad life decisions.

I do believe your circumstances can affect your life. There is a point, though, when you have to own up to your mistakes. There’s a point when you say “I will not be a total jerk-face to people because I had a tough upbringing”. If life is that bad, see a psychiatrist. Have some self-awareness.

Once again because LIFE IS A CHOICE.

Life Stories

Christian, Your Pain Is Never Punishment (A Re-post)

March 18, 2018


Every day, disease eroded her youthful loveliness.
Every minute, her mother stood at her bedside and cherished her.
My patient was a teenage girl, and when jaundice sallowed her face to mustard color, her mother massaged her skin with jasmine lotion. When her eyes, vacant and bloodshot, darted about the room in delirium, her mother papered the walls with photographs and piled favorite toys around her.
The ventilator creaked and sighed, and beloved songs filled the room. In language approaching poetry, her mother refreshed remote memories, moments alive with the seashore and laughter, afire with the distant vibrancy of the girl she treasured.
The day my patient died, her mother climbed into the hospital bed with her. She wrapped her arms around her and clutched her to herself, enfolding her in the same warmth she knew as an infant. With tears streaming, she gripped her, prayed, and issued promises into her ear. As we witnessed a heart flayed open, we abandoned all pretense of professionalism. All of us — nurses, doctors, physicians in training — cried with her.

What Is God Doing?

Years later, I still ache when I remember the depth of this mother’s love and the rawness of her grief. Yet in the midst of the tenderness, another memory haunts me.
The day before my patient died, her mother crumpled into a hospital room chair and held her head in her hands. Her eyes searched the ground. She knew the end was near. Her courage was fraying.
I put my hand on her shoulder. After a long silence, she spoke. “I keep begging God to take out my heart, to keep it from breaking,” she whispered. Her voice trembled. “But I don’t even know if he’s listening anymore. My family says this happened to her because I stopped going to church. They say God’s punishing me.”
She raised her eyes and pleaded with me: “What if it is all my fault?”
When I remember her anguish, I struggle with my own anger. Anger toward anyone who would destroy a woman already so crushed in spirit. I also regret that I did so little for her. That time of my life was mired in agnosticism, and so, although I held her and shared in her heartache, I could offer her no words of consolation. If I could return to that moment, I would pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal her preciousness to her. With my arms around her, I would pray for her to know the Lord not as a God of ruthlessness, but as one of boundless mercy, of sovereignty and grace beyond our imagination.
In crippling this fragile woman’s resolve, her family damaged her already tenuous relationship with God, and reduced suffering to a simplistic penalty-rewards system. They committed the same transgression as Job’s “miserable comforters” (Job 16:2), who for twenty-five chapters argue that Job suffered devastating losses as punishment for some great evil he refused to acknowledge. They rationalize that as God is both sovereign and just, he always punishes the wicked and rewards the righteous. If you suffer calamity, they reason, you did something to deserve it.

Is God Punishing Me?

At a cursory glance, this retribution theology may appear consistent with principles undergirding the fall (Genesis 3:14–24), Noah and the flood (Genesis 6:5–7), and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:24–25). In such narratives, punishment for depravity descends swiftly and violently. Solomon teaches, “The wage of the righteous leads to life, the gain of the wicked to sin” (Proverbs 10:16).
Unfortunately, these arguments ignore myriad instances in the Bible when God uses suffering not to punish, but rather to enact tremendous good. When Joseph’s brothers hurl him into a well and sell him into slavery, God raises him up beside Pharaoh and saves his people. “You meant evil against me,” Joseph says, “but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Genesis 50:20).
Before restoring a man’s sight, Christ explains his blindness occurred not in penalty for sin, but rather “that the works of God might be displayed in him” (John 9:1–3). Christ delays traveling to his dying friend Lazarus, whom he loves, so that in raising him from the dead he might glorify God (John 111–4). Even in the case of Job, the introductory chapters reveal he is “blameless” in God’s sight, and that the calamity that befalls him occurs not as punishment, but as part of a divine plan to defeat the adversary (Job 1–2).

The Mystery of God’s Love

Passages like these warn that we must never presume to know God’s intent for someone in anguish. God has an infinite capacity to effect goodness in the midst of our inequity. No theorems hem in his glory. The cross reveals in luminous brushstrokes our Lord’s grace and his overflowing love for us, made perfect in the death and resurrection of his most beloved Son. In the most magnificent sacrifice the world has known, God granted suffering in order to save us.
With the peace of Christ upon our hearts, let us love our neighbors in their suffering. Let us flee from self-righteousness, and toward compassion, as our Lord has compassion upon us (Psalm 78:37–39). May we always seek to wrap our arms around the enfeebled, to clutch them to ourselves as if they were our own children. As they tremble, let our words be a tree of life rising through the desolate dark (Proverbs 15:4), a wellspring through scorched soil.

Article by Kathryn Butler is a trauma and critical care surgeon who recently left clinical practice in Boston to homeschool her children. Her book on end-of-life medical care through a Christian lens is anticipated in 2019 (Crossway). She writes at Oceans Rise.
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/christian-your-pain-is-never-punishment

Featured Post

I'll be dying in a cold

I’ll be dying in a cold I’ll be dying in a cold I repeat it again and again, word after word Just to recognize that all of these thin...

Total Pageviews