At the end of 2019, I was totally sure that my days ahead will be bright and promising.
I have those plans and scenario playing inside my mind; cannot wait to pursue everything in front of me.

Never I imagined that it would hit me so hard.

So hard.
I can barely feel nothing.

They said the year of 2020 was written by Stephen King.
I laughed so hard.
Why?
It turns out he's my favorite writer of all time.

His thrill terrifies me, yet I cannot stop wanting for more.

Funny, I couldn't feel the same way with this 2020's script.

***


Months flew away, so did my sanity.

At times I find myself struggling with this unfair reality, I wonder if I could hang in there still.

My hope in God seems coming to a halt end.

The expectation seems to betray me just because I didn't see it coming this way.

Crap.

Can't even tell which one seems right or wrong, my mind is so full of blurred thoughts.

***


Another day, I tried opening my window; to see the outside world.

Heck, they are all feel the same pain.

Having such a burdensome hope, longing for help in this time of distress.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

My head feels so heavy, because I beg the world to revolve around me.

Focusing all the thoughts for me myself only.

That window taught me something.

We got to learn to move from the center of the world, direct it to those pals around you.

Same palls that cry their heart out every night; just like you do.

It doesn't feel heavy anymore.

I am running to reach my acceptance - running away from my denial.

God is still there, looking out for you.

Even in the fire, He is still with you; waiting for His time to reach out His hand to you, to us.

***

Stay sane, everybody.
Hang in there.
We'll be fine.

Have you ever looked into your own mind?
To see
whether or not there is any script of plan
life plan

Have you ever looked around?
To see
whether or not people manage to live
based on their sole plan

I do too
Have a plan

Not a plan necessarily, but dreams.

I used to dream a lot, plan many.
Not now,
not in this circumstances
not in this state of mind

Dream the impossible, they said.
So I plan the impossible.
So impossible I don't think I could reach it.

So high above the stars.

Those dreams make me expect more.
Until then I realized that, it could kill me.
So deep.

I always look down
on myself.
Pessimistic
about everything in my life.

Why?
Because I couldn't live in my own judgement.
I always take their view of me.
I live in the shadows of people's judgement
They said I couldn't do it
not capable of it
never enough

I gave up on my dreams.
For what?

To live like a normal people.
Normal is when you life comfortably with all you have.
No more dreams; I'm empty shell.