At the end of 2019, I was totally sure that my days ahead will be bright and promising.
I have those plans and scenario playing inside my mind; cannot wait to pursue everything in front of me.
Never I imagined that it would hit me so hard.
So hard.
I can barely feel nothing.
They said the year of 2020 was written by Stephen King.
I laughed so hard.
Why?
It turns out he's my favorite writer of all time.
His thrill terrifies me, yet I cannot stop wanting for more.
Funny, I couldn't feel the same way with this 2020's script.
***
Months flew away, so did my sanity.
At times I find myself struggling with this unfair reality, I wonder if I could hang in there still.
My hope in God seems coming to a halt end.
The expectation seems to betray me just because I didn't see it coming this way.
Crap.
Can't even tell which one seems right or wrong, my mind is so full of blurred thoughts.
***
Another day, I tried opening my window; to see the outside world.
Heck, they are all feel the same pain.
Having such a burdensome hope, longing for help in this time of distress.
Maybe.
Just maybe.
My head feels so heavy, because I beg the world to revolve around me.
Focusing all the thoughts for me myself only.
That window taught me something.
We got to learn to move from the center of the world, direct it to those pals around you.
Same palls that cry their heart out every night; just like you do.
It doesn't feel heavy anymore.
I am running to reach my acceptance - running away from my denial.
God is still there, looking out for you.
Even in the fire, He is still with you; waiting for His time to reach out His hand to you, to us.
***
Stay sane, everybody.
Hang in there.
We'll be fine.
Have you ever looked into your own mind?
To see
whether or not there is any script of plan
life plan
Have you ever looked around?
To see
whether or not people manage to live
based on their sole plan
I do too
Have a plan
Not a plan necessarily, but dreams.
I used to dream a lot, plan many.
Not now,
not in this circumstances
not in this state of mind
Dream the impossible, they said.
So I plan the impossible.
So impossible I don't think I could reach it.
So high above the stars.
Those dreams make me expect more.
Until then I realized that, it could kill me.
So deep.
I always look down
on myself.
Pessimistic
about everything in my life.
Why?
Because I couldn't live in my own judgement.
I always take their view of me.
I live in the shadows of people's judgement
They said I couldn't do it
not capable of it
never enough
I gave up on my dreams.
For what?
To live like a normal people.
Normal is when you life comfortably with all you have.
No more dreams; I'm empty shell.
I open my eyes that day and it's still dark
I cannot reach anything I want
I cannot grasp anything I need
I cannot hold on things I wanna have.
Dark.
I close them again.
My eyes.
Dark still.
I open them.
Dark still.
I don't know if darkness chooses me, or I instead choose to live in darkness.
I recognize its existence in my life.
As part of me.
For I know, where there is light, there is dark.
Sometimes, I let it consumes me.
Gathering all darkness into my life.
As far as I can tell, I let it lives in me, comfortably.
That dark sides ruin everything.
But I still cannot let it go.
I wonder where the light is.
Am afraid, I might not need it any longer.
For I could live just fine in darkness.
It comes to my surprise then,
Light summons me.
It says, I can have my darkness. It's still part of me though.
Just leave it there.
You may rise up, find me.
Your greatest light of all.
So I rise, and leave my darkness there.
I see it stays still, looking at me. Because it's part of me too.
I after all,
gotta find my light soon.
Before my whole world turns completely dark
and I lost myself [eventually].
Happiness is a cigarette. Peace is a clear lung.
Happiness is sex. Peace is love.
Happiness is a Lexus. Peace is a 401K.
Happiness is a wine buzz. Peace is sobriety.
Happiness is what’s best. Peace is what’s right.
Happiness is temporary. Peace is forever.
Happiness is doing something you know you shouldn’t, because you can. Peace is doing something you think you can’t, because you should.
- John Gorman
it once got stuck
under the heavy rain
long pause
soaking wet
overflowing-
tears.
i thought there is no coming back
i thought there won't be-
another clear sky.
i hate the weather,
it reminds me of how weak myself is.
cold skin,
cold feet,
cold hearted me.
if only,
i could shut the door before i considered to let you in.
you were in,
grasping my whole world,
altering my ego,
ruin and rising-
just like my favorite poet wrote our way.
i wanna cage you,
or i wanna bury you.
else, i wanna kept you.
caressing you with all the tenderness I had.
but it was all empty.
i hope someone might wake me up.
this is bad dream, I suppose.
ironic, isn't it?
you're the best thing I ever had, but you only live in my bad dream.
our love stripped us away.
i was stripped,
till i was naked, left with nothing.
i'm starring at the wet roads.
fuck my bad dreams.
i want you in my reality.
i decide to stand.
preparing my steps.
for next journey.
where there is no going back.
my wheels are turning
now.
Novita Ratna Wulandari
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
Slyvia Plath - 1953
Each day we cross
the bridges of uncertainty
never knowing what
we might meet when we get there,
but we cross them just the same
as life must go on.
The bridges of uncertainty
lie everywhere in our path
from our first steps in the morning
to our last steps at night.
We walk our lonely miles
never knowing what we might find
or what our life will bring.
Sometimes we find love and happiness,
sometimes its tragedy and misery
that befall us there.
Sometimes it is sunshine in the rain;
they are all there in life’s elusive game
on the other side of the bridges of uncertainty.
David Harris
To some people, love definition may be varied, whether it is affection, sexual attraction, mutual feelings, friendship, kinship, or anything else that could be translated into words.
To me, I once thought love is just mutual feelings of two persons that need the presence and care of each other.
Then I came to the point that all I think of love is not precisely right.
If I measure the love based on that terms, it will all be about taking and giving.
Lately, I just figured out that love is much more beyond that.
I had a tough relationship, where it is so hard for us to survive together.
They said it is impossible for us to unite or even go on to the next level.
In tough circumstance, I had tough persistence and faith to stay with him no matter hard it will be.
Somehow, we just have to realize that some relationship may not work.
That's the same thing to ours.
When he asked to leave, what do you think crossed my mind at that time?
Say it anger, fury, madness, sadness, disappointment, grief, shock; all those feelings you got during parting.
If I had to choose, I'd rather tell him to not leave me.
I hate being left. I hate it so much. Not after all I've fought for us.
I asked myself deeply, 'do I really love him?' like thousand times.
I know the answer, then I let him go.
Love and obsession are different.
He's not yours to have, he's yours to love.
To love means to let him go, for now.
It's hard for me to beg for him to stay in relationship he cannot go on further.
To be in love and starting relationship take two persons.
But to fall out of love and parting only take one decision.
If he wants to leave, while I don't, who do you think can win the decision?
I'll let him go and step back.
If he's happier this way, I'll be happier, to me it's the definition of what love is.
For once, I want my sacrifice to be meaningful to someone else's life.
I want to let him be free.
And I want to set myself free from selfishness.
My first time I agreed to farewell and ignored my own feelings.
Love is not about 'What can you do for me?'
it's 'What can I do for you?'
My pray will always be with you, Love.
I'm glad setting you free now.
Jesus will take care of you and protect you wherever you go.
I fear not of tomorrow
The dark scares me not
I am not full of sorrow
Although I've weeped a lot
What I fear is not on paper
There are no words big enough
I am not a hater
Although this world can be so tough
What I fear is much deeper
It is not simply cold or hot
What makes me a weeper
Is the fear of loosing all I've got
It's the fear of fear itself
That keeps me up at night
The fear of fear itself
Is what keeps happiness out of my sight
It's the fear of putting all plans on the shelf
That makes me afraid of loosing my very self
The fear of scaring away
Who I am inside
Is what makes me
So afraid I hide
Old Teenage Poem
Social creatures, we are made to be;
need one another,
need each other.
We could not live alone,
so God created you company.
Just like He created Eve for Adam.
We need them in time of need,
through sorrow and happiness,
people who we'd like to share our emotion with.
We call them, FRIENDS.
But then, have you ever asked yourself in the first place with a question:
Why would I befriend with them?
Or maybe:
What benefit could I get if they come into my life?
How can they be a contribution to me?
...
...
...
and hundreds questions that centered to your interest (only).
Being selfish is human.
It makes us human.
"The world outside is looked at only from the standpoint of what he can get out of it; he lacks interest in the needs of others, and respect for their dignity and integrity. He can see nothing but himself; he judges everyone and everything from its usefulness; he is basically unable to love." - Dr. Joji Valli, PhD
Yea, that is abso-goddamn-lutely true.
Somehow, to some extent, we can see nothing but ourselves as the only thing that really matters.
We need friends in our life, companion that we choose.
To make friends you should have mutual feeling, it's both you and them that choose one another.
Friends could come from something you have in common, whether it's a hobby, mindset, personality, an etc.
Someone has said, “A friend is a person who is willing to take me the way I am.” Accepting this as one definition of the word, may I quickly suggest that we are something less than a real friend if we leave a person the same way we find him. - Marvin J. Ashton
Well, I think it would be a huge misunderstanding if you take “A friend is a person who is willing to take me the way I am.” for granted.
To me friend is something that will lead you to be a better person anything that result in self-improvement, better attitudes, self-reliance, comfort, consolation, self-respect, and better welfare.
Someone that could make us be dependent and independent all at once.
Hurtful to speak, that not all of them could be real.
Once again, because we are the same selfish human being.
Soul that seeks self-comfort that only see everything from our point of view.
Before we're going to far, just ask yourself, if they are not real, are you the one who is real instead?
What you do not want done to yourself, DO NOT DO TO OTHERS - Confucius
It takes courage to be a real friend.
It is dangerous enough to go through all circumstances together, ordinary soul cannot do that.
No wonder there would come fear in friendship.
If you say real friends don't exist,
don't find one,
be that one.
Do you dare enough to be my real friends, then?
Because I would do all that roller-coaster journey for you.
Trust me,
I do.
Life Stories
There’s A Reason Why God Brings You Closer To Certain People And Then Lets Them Go (By Rania Naim)
April 03, 2018
People always say you can’t really explain why you feel a certain way about someone. Why you click with some people more than others or why you suddenly feel connected to a stranger. I feel like God brings us closer to certain people because these are the people we need in our lives right now. These are the people who will either teach us important lessons about life or about ourselves.
There’s a reason why God moves your heart toward a specific person and a reason why you get attached to certain people more than others. When I look back, there’s not one person I got really attached to who didn’t have something valuable to teach me or didn’t play a major role in my life. And the irony is, most of these people were temporarybecause their duty was to show me a different way and then set me free.
Sometimes the stage of your life determines what kind of people you attract and I think that’s the beauty of faith, God sends you the people you need at exactly the right time. He gives you the answers you were looking for through these people. He enlightens you by bringing you closer to people who bring out the best in you. He helps you when you’re struggling by pulling you closer to those who are capable of digging you out of your darkness.
It’s just that sometimes we try to turn these temporary people into forever people but that’s not their role. They’re not meant to stay in our lives forever. God called them to be there for us for only a short period of time. God called them to be in our lives so they can make us better for the ones who are meant to stay forever.
The problem is we become frustrated when these people leave because we can’t let go. We don’t understand why God would take away something so beautiful or someone who healed us but if you look at it from the perspective that if these people overstayed their welcome, their beauty will fade away, their love will die, their story will not be inspiring anymore and they will turn into a burden we’re not meant to carry, it will all start making sense.
The essence of letting go is faith. Faith that this story is better left the way it is. It’s better left the way God wrote it. Maybe rewriting it will ruin the story. Maybe changing it will not give you a happy ending. Maybe these people are angels sent to you to teach you a lesson or heal you or make you a better person and when their time is up, they fly away. They’re meant to be placed in someone else’s life.
Maybe these people are also teaching you how to let go, how to detach, how to realize when someone’s part in your story is over and have faith that the next person God brings you closer to is exactly who you need, even if you don’t know it yet.
Because I know that the day we meet the person who is meant to stay forever, we’d be able to spot them from a mile away, we’d recognize them in a crowded room because we finally understand the difference between someone who touches our hand and someone who touches our soul.
Read the original article here 💗 There’s A Reason Why God Brings You Closer To Certain People And Then Lets Them Go
